Certain darkness is needed to see the stars. OSHO

100×160

Acrylics, oil pastels, raw canvas

When I became a regular visitor to Studio54, I thankfully began to realize that something was wrong. Studio 54 is an underground techno club in the centre of Prague. Nothing against techno, techno is cool. 😀 But the atmosphere of this place is a bit strange. For those who don’t know, it’s a bit of a Prague underworld.

At that time I needed to get away from my hometown Ostrava from my family and company problems, Prague seemed like a good choice. I always wanted to live and do business in Prague. But the way we started was not the best. 

Since my brother and I couldn’t stand each other at the time, my escape to Prague seemed like a good idea to him. At the time, I hoped the distance would help. But the anxieties of business, family, a fresh breakup and so that loneliness were in my head, not in Ostrava. So I found another escape.

I got a pretty effective guide to it, who showed me everything there was to find in the Prague underworld. From eternal sleepless nights, scary clubs, all kinds of substances to endless partying… It worked well as an escape. 

But suddenly I found myself unable to deny myself all the “gifts” of the Prague underworld.

After a few months, my body was letting me know that what I was doing to myself was going to have big consequences. I’ve always loved a healthy lifestyle, but at that time I just kind of forgot. I stopped exercising. I started eating junk food and living a life of heavy indulgence. To feel better about myself, I started to artificially enhance my appearance with false eyelashes, nails and other modern conveniences.

My inner sense of self-worth has been pushed to an all-time low. But outwardly, I was playing the game of unflinching confidence very well.

It was reflected in everything I did, but most of all in my primary fear – fear of being alone. The men I met treated me on exactly the same level as my opinion of myself. 

It was all about the one. I missed to be belonging somewhere, to be belonging to someone… to love myself.

But when I think of all that this period has brought me, I’m glad for it. The huge degree of tasting contrast has brought me a new dimension of tasting gratitude. And because of that, I know that someday we can look back on the darkest periods of our lives with the greatest appreciation.